What If

im listening to Mr Stevens.... the mood he is putting me in...its as...all the emotions i have ever experienced are fragmented and are floating around me....and im just desperately trying to grasp and piece them back together...emotions are so deceitful and destructive.....But Thank God ive got a mind to will myself not to wallow in the emotional cesspool that i so often create for myself. Wont You give me a chance???? :)

Golden Pig

The Year of the Golden Pig has been good to me so far.... am having a much needed break...doing absolutely nothing for one day..well...lazing infront of the tele for e whole day is considered doing nothing....soooo therapeutic....been doing alot of thinking lately.....about careers...about life decisions....haha...why do i always let my mind wander....what is life really about....is it about chasing after phantom,transient materialistic dreams....or...sigh...i dont know....im getting sucked in.... the world is clawing in on me....Lord...i need you....Lord....be my very all....all relationships...all dreams are nothing compared to having you....be the centre of my life....Lord...i pray you remove all malice from me....Lord discipline me.....Lord be my passion once again....be evident in my life...Lord take away hypocrisy...take away all pretense from me....Lord i pray you remove from her all sickness and that you just heal her heart..make it whole again...take away all heartache....You reign in her....In all things Be Lifted HiGH..... Lord..You are the King of Kings...Lord of Lords....let my whole life be about You.... let me resonate Jesus Christ...Lord i pray that you heal the rift between us..or whatever..i dont know...Lord just Heal her.... Lord Guard my heart....Lord...i need you to direct me...Take me... Lord you are all i need.... In my life...Lord be Lifted High....In my Love...Lord be Lifted High...In my World...Lord be lifted High...teach me to love....teach me to take up my cross and follow it daily...Lord help me in my weakness...control my emotions..and feelings... Lord I love you

Deliver me!

Why does the same set of emotions run through a person time and time again? Didnt i commit it to God that such emotions would remain in place until something really sweet came along?Maybe i didnt I dont know....sharing God's word and really applying it to oneself is really different...nevermind..i will exercise my will and as 1 Corinthians 9:23 says and discipline my emotions so that i will not be disqualified after i have preached to others. Why do others say im brimming with Confidence..when obviously i dont..such irony...why do certain challenges crush my will instead of exhilarating it...why do i back down in the face of despair...how can such contrasting characteristics course through a person...Lord Where is my portion?... how can such weakness reside in a Christian....victorious christian? not completely? why am i a i dont know person...why cant i be like e great christians of old...cs lewis..brother lawrence...Lord i need your strength more then ever before...i need to trust you to deliver me...OK...:) Lord...you are the reason for my living..plllleeeassee..guide me through the rest of my life and be the confidence that you have always been to me

SALVATION IS HERE!

This is the week where im expecting to get my results....all i can say is im feeling THY WILL BE DONE...its like 1250am now...my heart is bursting...i dont know how to describe...like my whole being wants to worship...Im listening to SALVATION IS HERE! its here indeed...God you are King...continute to be the King of my life...oh Lord..i Worship You..Salvation is here.....SALVATION IS HERE AND HE LIVES IN ME.....SALVATION IS HERE.. COS YOU ARE THE LIGHT AND YOU LIVE IN ME...Lord take me..Use me for all you want...Lord i love you...Lord USE ME...SALVATION IS HERE...Lord thy will be done...1 Peter 1:15 says 'but like the Holy One who called you, be Holy yourselves also in your behaviour; 16 because it is written,' YOU SHALL BE HOLY, FOR I AM HOLY.' It goes on to talk about how we are not redeemed by perishable things like gold or silver but by Jesus's blood...pure,precious and unblemished...that was the price..RICHARD DAWKINS YOU DONT KNOW WHAT URE TALKING ABOUT...God is real..and He died for you..Lord use me as you see fit...be it in medicine...or bible school..pauper..rich...or anything..Lord Use me..teach me to be humble and seek U only..Lord all my lusts..immoralities..take it away..dont let it hinder me from worshipping You...Lord USE ME ....SALVATION LIVES IN ME! Lord allow me to continue to grow in knowleedge to expound your truth...SALVATION IS HERE! Worsihp You...Do not let me conformed any longer to the patter of this world but be transformed by the renewing of my mind so that i may test your will, your good perfect will...SALVATION IS HERE AND HE LIVES IN ME~~~

SALVATION IS HERE!

This is the week where im expecting to get my results....all i can say is im feeling THY WILL BE DONE...its like 1250am now...my heart is bursting...i dont know how to describe...like my whole being wants to worship...Im listening to SALVATION IS HERE! its here indeed...God you are King...continute to be the King of my life...oh Lord..i Worship You..Salvation is here.....SALVATION IS HERE AND HE LIVES IN ME.....SALVATION IS HERE.. COS YOU ARE THE LIGHT AND YOU LIVE IN ME...Lord take me..Use me for all you want...Lord i love you...Lord USE ME...SALVATION IS HERE...Lord thy will be done...1 Peter 1:15 says 'but like the Holy One who called you, be Holy yourselves also in your behaviour; 16 because it is written,' YOU SHALL BE HOLY, FOR I AM HOLY.' It goes on to talk about how we are not redeemed by perishable things like gold or silver but by Jesus's blood...pure,precious and unblemished...that was the price..RICHARD DAWKINS YOU DONT KNOW WHAT URE TALKING ABOUT...God is real..and He died for you..Lord use me as you see fit...be it in medicine...or bible school..pauper..rich...or anything..Lord Use me..teach me to be humble and seek U only..Lord all my lusts..immoralities..take it away..dont let it hinder me from worshipping You...Lord USE ME ....SALVATION LIVES IN ME! Lord allow me to continue to grow in knowleedge to expound your truth...SALVATION IS HERE! Worsihp You...Do not let me conformed any longer to the patter of this world but be transformed by the renewing of my mind so that i may test your will, your good perfect will...SALVATION IS HERE AND HE LIVES IN ME~~~

Still waiting

Man..im still waiting...its the 26th of October....argh...almost 3 and a half weeks since my interview...why hasnt the reply come!!!! Lord please please.....let me get in!! Dont put through all this emotional upheaval just to close the door.....its really eating into me...not knowing what YOUR plans are... PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!! LORD LET ME IN!!!!!!!!!!!!! but all this said..THY WILL BE DONE...more importantly i want to be in your will...irregardless of how disappointed i will get...Your Truth be ingrained in me!! Lord RAIN DOWN ON ME!...

Prayer

Ok...im listening to one of my all time United Live song...ALL DAY....it really typifies how i feel..i want to serve God all my life...in whatever i do..every being of me wants to serve Him..though at times..no..not at time..many times i fall into sin...many times i disgrace God...innately..i want to Love Him and read His word..meditate Him..and worship Him...God you are so Good. You are the King of all Truth..You bring Life to everyone...you are GOD....meaningless is life without You...Show me more of your glory..Show me your purpose in my life...Words cannot express my gratitude ...Lord I love you...my heart is bursting with songs...let me speak in tongues and in languages that give you all honour and all glory...Lord of Lords...King of Kings..Prince of Peace....Forgive me all my sins..that i have committed...yet to commit....Lord i Commit my life to you...Lord i pray this blog is not a blog of boast..but one that truly reflects how i feel about You...to all the strangers who reads this blog..know that Jesus Christ is THE GOD...the only way to salvation... He loves you...if He can love me...He can love you....King of all Kings..SALVATION IS HERE...Lord teach me to be like Abraham to walk in faith....teach me to be like David...a man after your own heart...Lord teach me to be like Isaiah who was so humble...HERE I AM SEND ME...Lord teach me to have a heart and mind of Paul..who considered all things lost...Lord teach me to be like the person you want me to be...HELP ME..SAVE ME LORD...YOU ARE TE KING OF KINGS..LORD OF LORDS...I WORSHIP YOU...SALVATION IS HERE...SALVATION IS HERE AND HE LIVES IN ME...SALVATION IS HERE...SALVATION IS HERE AND HE SET ME FREE! Lord i want to pray for dawn...lord i beseech you to bless her..keep her..and for her to forgive me...Lord i pray for my aunties...Lord that they may come to know you...i claim what was set forth in Acts 16:31..Lord i pray for my parents...i thank you for parents that long to seek you and give you their all...Lord i thank you for Pastor stewart...for mentoring me..for been a great counsellor....Lord let me worship you !!!

Waiting

Its 1310 on a friday afternoon. Listening to Li Jun Jie's song..hmm..its pretty sweet about love...lest you think im dwelling into emotional mumbo jumbo im not....its e third day since i finished army, i have to admit, it definitely is a bit of anticlimax, considering i have been clearing leave like since first week of september..oh well...army..well..thats another post... i have been going through an enormous emotional upheaval the past few days.. a past relationship just came back to haunt me...it was eating into my..to find out she has changed so much...on my part...there has been no closure...and it sucks...but God is faithful and He taught me to manage my emotions..again that is another story for another time...well...its been almost 2 weeks since i got the invitation for the interview..i went for it..last tuesday...did not go as well i thought it would be..it was soo simple..and yet i was stumped...man..sigh..anyway..whats really been bugging me is...when i thought i was so clear that i was suppose to go Bible College..God gave me that interview...well...as i have been telling all my friends..i dont even know anything anymore...but all i want to do is to serve Him with all my life..cos without God..there is no peace..only guilt and wretchedness in my life..i as a human being is so unworthy and as a christian even more unworthy as i see my life develop...time and time i have given in to my wanton desires...only God has been so faithful and so dear to forgive..but of course i know that God is a just God too...well...i know ive been so abrupt...but yeah...i have been praying about getting the place at UQ...its been my prayer ever since i got the interview...my auntie and mom has confidence i will get it..but yeah..all the reassurances does not settle my heart...i need to know!! I would be totally blown away if i got the opportunity to do it..cos yeah...its been on my heart ever since like...university..but yeah...if it is not God's will...i dont want to do it...i cannot fathom life without God...its just...too warped....all my identity is in Him..only He understands and can forgive me...but yet...man...i soooo badly want to be a doctor...its like driving me nuts..and my constant prayer...yeah...but ultimately i want to be where He wants me to be...i know there is a calling to ministry..but other then that i know there is calling..the rest seems soo distant and difficult...i dont want to bitch about how bad my life is..cos it aint..compared to the rest...but yeah...each individual life is fraught with difficulties and struggles...man been a christian is so tough..but yet so joyful and so whole...LORD WE NEED YOU...I want to take this opportunity to praise this GOD..who is the TRUE GOD..the Truth..who is HOLY, JUST and EVER LOVING...yeah..my thoughts are just random at the moment..i just want to live in the truth..man..i hate my body..which is subjected to all the temptations...ok....back to my struggles....if i get the offer....everything seems to come into place...if i dont get..which i have a feeling i wont...im afraid i will be devastated..i know i wont curse God or denouce Him or anything..but yeah...everything is torn apart...i know God wants to humble me and all....oh well...THY WILL BE DONE IN MY LIFE.

Finally...HOWDY

as always...im going to start my blog by claiming how long its been since i last wrote an entry...at this moment right now..im clad...in my ocs singlet( which strangely feels tighter then before..hmm..it must have shrunk...)and my army pants...yesh..im still in camp..on a saturday evening..with the ops room tv blaring with noise from a cartoon shown on RTM2. The environment seems idyllic to write an entry..in anycase...ive just re read my entry...the last one..dated january....i wrote that i had an innate feeling that i would get into medicine....but for all thsoe who know me...you would have realise im not....my dreams are shattered...my innermost desire...its been ripped from me...but strangely...after the intial relization that what i want most..is not going to happen...im kinda resigned to whatever comes....i definitely have matured..in a way..on how i deal with my emotions...to the untrain eye...i may seem non chalant and have a vagabondistic (if there is such a word)view of the world...but im actually pretty emo...buahahah...one thing is for sure..im WARPED...thats right...people say each individual is unique...well..im 'UNIQUE' with a hint of retardation in me..haha...oh ..let me get back to what i intended to convey in my blog...ive decided to head to bible college...things are still in their tentative stages...people have not replied to my requests for internship at church...or my desire to want to go for mission...its just...i dont know...it seems people around me are getting on with life..getting things that are u know..what they want...for me..im getting FAT! not as fat as melbourne.but not as thinas in brunei...its just that..matthew has gotten into columbia..andrew got into wesleyan college..the people around me...things are smooth..and why the hell...im not getting anywhere...i love God...i want to serve Him..but everythign seem so difficult...things are not falling into place..at times i feel its not fair..but in my head i know God is still good..its just that..WHY!!!!!!!!!!!! daphne's got her internship with bmw...WHERE IS MY PORTION GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...i want to serve God..but where is my portion of blessing...have i sinned too much....i dont know...i just want to see some SIGN!!!!!! sheesh....its just so hard..i want to have a portion of blessing...in anycase..im goign to apply to regent...hopefully i can get in....i just need a sign from God..like the signet ring of ZERUBBABEL. WHY....LORD WHERE IS MY PORTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...